Drawn to justice and weary of injustice, I share how my AuDHD lens and faith have become sources of strength after deep trauma.
Justice. I have always been pulled to Justice like a super powered magnet instantly without thinking. Equally, I have just as powerfully been repelled, revolted against Injustice. Passionately. With my whole being. Justice and Injustice have dominated my life for as long as I can remember.
This was one of the first traits that catapulted its way into my realization of my AuDHD.
Prior to AuDHD hitting my awareness a couple of months ago in a side note happenstance comment by my therapist not even referring to me, I attributed my call to Justice the means for my alienation from my bio family at an early age.
Why could I see so clearly the injustices spewed about me with pride and laughter at such an early age while simultaneously calling them out with no regard to my own ‘safety’ within that family system? Multi-generational going up against my entire family tree calling out the Bullying. Racism. Misogyny. I was compelled vehemently to defend the humans they dehumanized while being a tiny one myself.
Labeled ‘too sensitive’ wearing my ‘rose colored’ glasses made an outcast. At a really young age. Never to return to the fold.
My first deep dive in therapy was into Narcissism. I had to make sense why I was scapegoated, cast off as a child never to be welcomed into the family like my sibling who carried the family traits and fit into our tree welcomed. I was a child.
This need for Justice and the equal need to call out Injustice no matter the personal cost at an unusually early age I concluded is why. And I left it alone burying the pain my exclusion caused.
I pivoted to the Church and how my flesh literally burned at the gross injustices I’d experienced, witnessed as an adult. Fighting with every cell in my being for Justice and Mercy to be reconciled inside God’s House lasting seven years. The righteous need for Justice for the ones I loved burned within me post the explosion that cost me my life inside God’s family tree. How could this be? God’s tree and my atheist bio one mirroring? The cognitive dissonance rattled my core while I was yet again outcasted by the one family I’d replaced with the other while standing on God’s Word.
I begged God year after year after year of our exile into spiritual homelessness on the tear soaked pages of my Bible I’ve since had to retire in the process of closing that chapter and moving on. The pleas for God to open eyes and soften hearts unanswered. Names written in the margins. Truth be told between columns. Highlighted passages of God’s love for Justice holding God to the fire of His Word.
Around and around I spiraled coiled up into a ball that could not let go this burning need to see Justice. My victory, my very healing depended on it.
Until it didn’t.
Months into Celebrate Recovery and my Women’s Step Study, wrestling out my faith recovery despite not seeing Justice come to any fruition from the men who claimed His Name for themselves while abandoning us like excrement on the street, ignoring all our pleas for help and ignoring our death knells, God gave me the vision I desperately needed.
And that changed everything.
God, clear as day, in my spirit told me unequivocally, “You don’t need those men to heal. Your healing is not dependent on them. Your healing is dependent on Me alone. They do not hold the keys to your freedom from pain and despair. I do.”
As I journaled out my confession for the bitterness and unforgiveness I had held in my heart for the men who failed us, God provided that which I needed.
In the vision I sat at a wooden table on the floor of an arena holding a gavel given the chance to enact Justice, to condemn these hired shepherds to their sentence.
My hand shook. I immediately knew I did not want the weight of the gavel, the decision or the consequence to be mine. I put the heavy burden down.
I exited the arena. And I told God, “I trust You. Justice is Yours to enact in the time You choose. I do not want to see it when you do. I do not need a front row seat to watch like a spectator Your Justice coming through.”
The fear of God enveloped me, and I prayed for Mercy for us all.
This is the day my chronic rumination stopped.
And I began to heal.
Our healing is not and can not be in the hands of those who harmed us. That is way too much power for them to wield. No more power in their hands. In their eyes being opened to our pain. To repentance.
Our healing comes from within and Almighty God trusting He loves Justice and that day will come leaving the gavel in His hands, letting go the need to be witness.
I am praying for you today. Relinquishing God’s control over timing and Justice was a process one I was well into before it came to fruition. Love of Justice is not wrong. And we must give it to God where it belongs. Holding two Truths at once. Loving Justice this much is actually a beautiful trait. We make amazing Advocates for those being oppressed impossible to look away, laser focused on what is Right. And we can not let its quest consume us to miss the other side of its coin equally biblical, Mercy. A nuance we must hold to heal.
I retired the Bible attached to that season shortly after and needed to grieve its unanswered prayers knowing I could not ruminate any more than the seven years I’d already given over. I had to trust God with all its yearslong tear stained pages and the Promises inside.
Tell God what you need to let go. He already knows. Is there a tangible representation you keep holding on waiting for His answer? Can you retire it to safe keeping, but out of sight? And let God fill the space that is left with the new He will bring in its place?
Remember, baby steps are still steps in the healing direction. Give yourself grace and know you are loved even while you are carrying the gavel not yet ready to let go.
God is Big enough for the process and how long it takes.
Love,
Raya
The Gentle Rise 