CPTSD has left its scars, yet my neurodivergent strengths have become sacred tools of renewal, guiding me toward healing and hope.

Sometimes its the tiniest steps we take that get us moving in the healing direction. When I was newly diagnosed with CPTSD I was riddled with symptoms that kept me from leaving the house. Medium level agoraphobia. The last intimate betrayal catastrophic by the closest friend I had left who I’d made my sister, confidante, mediator, biblical counselor to our family for whom I served on her Board to build her business. Too many dualities to name with any ethical legitimacy, but malpractice for the damage one singular duality can cause (what I learned through my Mental Health Coaching training through the AACC).

Her actions and responses to my distress blew up any remnants of my mental health, resilience, ability to function. This betrayal trauma split me open with an electrical current I felt inside my brain to my feet like an earthquake fault line. Now I see clearly my undiagnosed AuDHD layered on and through my scar tissue exasperating and prolonging my CPTSD symptoms leaving me in both a traumatized state while losing my abilities in an AuDHD Shutdown Burnout.

All by someone claiming both Christ and trauma expertise. Duality gave language, a grave ethical code violation giving credence to the level damage inflicted on my already traumatized self by someone who had full access to every wound. In order to receive my Mental Health Coaching certificate I had to sign a code of professional ethics which included I shall not partake in dual relationships for the damage they can cause.

I want this blog to be trauma informed. Not to expose individuals, but to expose truths of the trauma experience so others, you, might see where you need protections, guard rails against further catastrophic harm.

And to share the baby steps that helped me ever so cautiously get on a healing path out of my living nightmare.

With my therapist’s help, I began venturing beyond my front door. My neurodivergence led the way. I’ll talk more about this in another post. How the very same neurodivergence that brought such disability and exasperated suffering to my existence is what also saved my life. I see so clearly now. The beauty of how I was made.

Suffice to say, as I began searching for my lost inner child, my childhood special interest came alive. Collecting feathers, acorns and rocks, natural elements found on the ground during my walks. Grounding me and connecting me to the earth looking for treasure my reward for leaving my house. With heart racing, nerves zapping like electrical wires, breathing shallow, body moving through paralysis like walking through molasses, it is treasure hunting in nature that gradually lengthened my steps away from home.

Then I made art. A living mannequin representing how far I’d come. She became my hyper focus. A living being outside of myself I could help keep alive. Nature personified. Also, object personification. An autistic trait I’ve had since a young child. And, a way to feel close to God through Creation. All making sense now. Healing me. Little by miniscule little.

Once I found a mushroom outside a doctor’s office with a single hole on its surface. I had just walked into the sunlight after getting a breast biopsy by myself. Seeing that mushroom brought an instant smile to my face. God’s little treasures abound. Flashes of light to our soul. God with us finding our way in the dark.

Months later to include finding my other childhood special interest, stickers. Rewards for entering a new farm store or coffee shop having lived my life confined to very routine, familiar shops that now didn’t feel safe due to going No Contact with my entire former faith community inside my small town and who I could bump into in the checkout line. It forced me to explore beyond what was my former comfort zone to start building a new life.

What is your childhood special interest that might be buried now could help you on your healing journey? Pick one and pursue it with the tiniest baby steps to spark Life your reward. You are worth it.

I’ll share more of mine in a later post. Feel free to share yours.

Love and Light.

Love,

Raya

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